Dear Dr. Aaron,

So today, while heroically mowing my lawn like the responsible adult I pretend to be, I stepped in a hole. Didn’t think much of it… until I realized I’d been mowing in circles for a solid five minutes.

Apparently, I either have one leg shorter than the other or I’ve unlocked a hidden talent for creating crop circles in suburbia.

Is there a medical term for “Wonky Lawn Syndrome”? Or should I just accept my fate as the human compass?

Wonky in Linn Creek

Dear Wonky,

It is nearly impossible to diagnose Wonky Lawn Syndrome without a full examination—preferably one involving video footage of your circular mowing technique.

However, should it be confirmed that you are, in fact, a human compass, your future is bright… particularly in the cruise industry, where your natural inclination to spin in circles may finally find purpose.

In the meantime, please avoid holes, unsupervised landscaping, and making crop circles in residential neighborhoods.

Call our office right away—we’ll get you checked out before you start attracting UFOs.

Sincerely,

Dr. Aaron (Definitely Not a Lawn Care Specialist)